'Twas The Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the store,
Not a creature was stirring, except me (I was mopping the floor).
Fresh coffee was brewed and the beer coolers all stocked,
The bathrooms were clean and so was the parking lot.

When up in the front the door buzzer did "ding,"
I looked up from my mop to see who had walked in.
No matter how slow, it’s no doubt  a sure bet,
Lots of people show up when the floor is still wet.

A young drunk woman staggered in through the door,
She had run out of booze and wanted some more.
When I said “sorry, too late,” she said, “listen my dear,”
And tried to act sexy while Flirting for Beer.

Soon another woman came in, she had blood on her face,
Her boyfriend had hit her so she walked to our place.
At her insistence I decided to not call the police in,
Then wondered all night, Did I do the Right Thing?

Then in came a guy, a very grouchy old man,
When he asked for change he yelled, “PUT IT IN MY HAND!”
He seemed cruel and mean and pitifully rude,
That poor old man was a Crotchety old Scrooge.

A woman arrived so drunk she couldn’t talk
She left a trail of a mess wherever she walked,
A guy she was with seemed desperate (and a wee bit shady),
It was another Return of the Nacho Cheese Bullshit Lady

A black guy was not happy with our small choice of rubbers,
I wished I could have helped; I truly wish we had others.
He said, “I fit the stereotype, my man, it’s the largest you’ve seen,
He emphasized it with this: "I Need the Extra Large, You Know What I Mean?”

A creepy strange guy who seemed mentally ill,
Asked me about the money I keep in the till.
“If I were to rob you, how much would it be?”
“What is this,” I asked, “A Hypothetical Robbery?”

Another guy said I should carry a gun,
So I pretended I did just for giggles and fun.
“I’m a crook and you’re me; I’m gonna rob you,” so I said
Then I pointed my finger and yelled, “BOOM, You’re Dead!”

An intoxicated woman asked me out on a date,
I explained to her why I would not be a good mate.
“Oh, come sleep in my bed and read the Bible, okay?
Honey, One Night With Me and You Won’t be Gay!”

The popcorn was low so I cooked up some more,
But I cooked it too long and it smoked out the store.
In came a sorority girl who I wish I didn’t meet,
When she said of burnt kernels, “That’s What Black People Eat!”

A young guy came in to buy smokes, and beer too,
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but it’s way after 2:00."
"I can’t sell alcohol this time of day,”
To which he replied, “Come on dude, That’s Gay.”

Another guy was shouting profanities in line,
While waiting to by a 12-pack and wine.
When I refused to serve him because he was rude, drunk and putrid,
He asked, “Why Are You Looking at Me Like I’m Stupid?”

When a man said we charge too much for cigarettes,
I gave him a coupon so he could save 50 cents.
But he was a grouchy old guy and didn’t give a damn,
I now refer to him as The Marlboro Man

There’s another weird guy I find classless and crude,
Who thinks the people of Montana are all rather rude.
He dresses pretty sharp, but he is not a good soul,
I will forever refer to him as the Gentleman Asshole

A woman wanted to buy one of our “beers for a buck,”
When I said it was after 2:00 she said, “Ask me if I give a fuck.”
I looked at her boyfriend, who was tall, rude and fat,
he asked me “What the Fuck Are You Looking At?”

After a cop came and left, a man said “I don’t like that guy,
He’s the asshole who gave me my third DUI."
He said "Yes, I was driving drunk, the third and first two times too,
but I was almost home, and That’s a Douche-Bag Thing To Do."

A guy into sports came in and bragged about his team,
And after awhile he got kind of mean.
When I said I liked New England he threw a big fit,
He said the Patriots suck, and “Tom Brady’s a Faggot.”

A guy from the South who was a racist old prick,
Was offended by lighters that make fun of dumb hicks.
“Those niggers, Jews and fags don’t have it nearly as rough as me,
The real discrimination is towards us Rednecks: America’s Last Minority.”

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore,
An angel of beauty walked in through the door.
He smiled and said, “Hi, my name is Matt.”
And all I could say was, "um . . . uh . . . hey . . . Nice Hat!”

A really nice man caught me sorting through pennies,
I was looking for rare ones, of which he said he had many.
He drove home and then came back before going to bed,
To give a gift for my son, The White Woman Indian Head.

There’s another old man who comes in every day,
Who often cheers me up in a fun, friendly way.
He always seems happy; he always seems nice,
When I ask how’s he doing, he says, “Best Day of My life!”

And then there’s the story, a favorite of mine,
About the charitable man who helped another in line.
“All I ask in return, is just give me your word,
When opportunity arises please Pay it Forward.”

When the small handful of assholes begin getting me down,
I think about all the good customers who are always around.
And when getting along with others seems way too damn hard,
I try to remember this: Divided we Fall: A Lesson from the Graveyard.