I Did Not Do the Right Thing (I Should Have Called the Police): A Follow-Up

The other night a Missoula city policeman stopped by the store to introduce himself.

“I understand you are a Marine,” he said.
“Yes, indeed. How did you know that?” I asked.
“Well, I happened to read a blog of yours. . . ”

Turns out, he found my blog through a mutual Facebook friend. He, too, is a Marine ("once a Marine, always a Marine") having served active duty as a musician in a Marine Corps field band. It was a cold night -- our first heavy snow of the winter with an arctic front arriving – and so business was slow. He stayed and chatted for awhile.

He’s a nice guy, and obviously a good, dedicated, knowledgeable and professional policeman. The conversation eventually came around to my post, “Did I Do the Right Thing? (Should I Have Called the Police?)” which he took particular interest in.

The Missoula Police Department is well-trained on domestic violence issues; it is one of their top priorities. Although the officer was not at all judgmental (and told me several times “Don’t beat yourself up over it”), after speaking with him at length and learning more about the issue I feel I should have called the police.

Here are some statistics:

* An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.
* About 85% of domestic violence victims are women.
* One in every four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
* One in six women and one in 33 men involved in intimate partner violence results in more than 18.5 million mental health care visits in the United States.
* More than 40 percent of the women murdered in the United States were killed by an intimate partner.
* Up to 60% of perpetrators of intimate partner violence also abuse any children who live in the household.
* Boys who witness domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own partners and children when they become adults.
* On average, it takes about six attempts before a victim is able to break out of a domestic violence situation -- and that's if they receive help and are trying.
* In Montana alone there are an estimated 11, 500 victims of domestic violence a year and about a dozen of those result in death.

Domestic violence and abuse is usually accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior and is part of a systematic pattern of dominance and control -- often resulting in physical injury, psychological trauma and sometimes murder. The consequences of domestic violence can cross generations and last a lifetime.

Having myself spent nearly five years in a relationship with a bipolar, verbally abusive alcoholic I am, unfortunately, intimately familiar with the repeating cycles of abuse: A buildup to abuse when tension rises until an incident occurs; A reconciliation stage in which the abuser may be kind and loving; A period of calm during which the abused person may be hopeful that the situation will change . . . then the tension builds and the cycle starts again.

Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police and the cycle can continue with dangerous and deadly results. 

The officer who stopped by the store explained to me that when police respond to a domestic violence incident (regardless if it’s an opposite sex relationship, same sex or otherwise) they evaluate the situation to determine who is the predominant aggressor, take the predominant aggressor into custody to diffuse the situation and protect the victim, file a report and refer the victim to counselors, domestic violence program advocates and other programs that provide information and support and are experienced in providing assistance, creating safety plans and helping identify options appropriate for various individuals and situations. If necessary, they can also help find safe accommodations, housing, and obtain legal and financial assistance.

If nothing else, there is a report on record so the police, court, advocates and others are aware of the situation in case the cycle continues and escalates.

I hope to never witness such a thing again, but if I do I will call the police -- it can help break the cycle and save lives.

(Special thanks to the Missoula officer who took time to visit and explain things in a very nonjudgmental, informative, courteous and professional manner; we are fortunate to have a great, dedicated, responsive police department here in Missoula, Montana.)  

Addendum: After I posted this, a friend pointed out that if I had called the police, the woman may have left. I discussed that with the policeman. If such an incident were to occur again, I would do what I could to comfort the person and would call the police from the backroom so they would not know. The police could then take it from there.