"BOOM! You're dead!"

At least once a week some guy will come into the store (yes, it’s always guys and they’re usually drunk), bring up the potential dangers of working graveyard and ask if I keep a gun handy. When I tell them “no” they usually respond with something like: “You should. If I were you I would . . . nobody’s gonna rob me!”

Which is exactly what a guy told me last night.

ME: “Would you keep it on the counter, pointed at everyone and anyone who approaches, just in case? Don’t you think that might intimidate customers a tad bit?"
GUN GUY: “No, I would keep it under the counter.”
ME: “Loaded?”
GUN GUY: “Well, yeah, of course.”
ME: “Safety on or off?”
GUN GUY: “On.”
ME: “So if someone came up to the counter and suddenly pulled a gun on you do you think you would have time to reach down, grab your gun, switch the safety off and shoot him before he shoots you?”
GUN GUY: “I am pretty quick dude.”
ME: “You sound like Wyatt Earp.”

He laughs.

GUN GUY: “Seriously dude, I am quick.”

ME: “Okay. Show me. Pretend you are me and I am a customer about to rob you.”
GUN GUY: “Okay.”
ME: “Okay, so I am approaching the counter and . . . “

He pretends to reach down for his gun.

ME: “Whoa. Wait. I haven’t tried to rob you yet. I’m just a customer approaching the counter with a bag of Doritos.”
GUN GUY: “But you said you were going to rob me.”
ME: “I was just setting up the scene. I don’t think a thief would let you know ahead of time he was going to rob you.”
GUN GUY: “I don’t think they would just approach the counter to buy something. I think they would come in wearing a mask or something.”
ME: “Okay, fair enough. So let’s pretend I rush into the store wearing a mask and . . .”

I quickly lift my hand and point towards his head pretending I have a gun.

ME: “GIVE ME YOUR MONEY. NOW! HURRY UP! GIVE ME THE MONEY! MAKE UP YOUR MIND! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME THE MONEY OR GO FOR YOUR GUN? HURRY! GIVE ME THE MONEY . . . ”

He pretends to reach down for his gun.

ME: “BOOM!” You’re dead. Was it worth it for maybe $100. or so of someone else’s money?

He laughs.

GUN GUY: “You’re crazy dude.”
ME: “True. But do you get my point?”
GUN GUY: “Yes. But I still think you should have a gun. I would if I were you.”
ME: “Why?”
GUN GUY: “Nobody’s gonna rob me!”